By: Shahid Athar, M. D. IslamiCity* -
Islamic concept of sexuality
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the
subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of
Prophet Muhammad in a serious manner, in regard
to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize
themselves with this body of knowledge.
Saying of Prophet Muhammad
* "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a
rewarded act of charity." The Companions were
surprised and said, "But we do it purely out of our
desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The
Prophet replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden
woman, it would have been counted as a sin, but if
you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
* "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast
falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before
the act."
* "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with
your wife to another person nor describe her physical
feature to anyone."
Concept of adultery in Islam
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery.
Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads
(to other evils)" (Quran 17:32). "Say, 'Verily, my
Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or
secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and
reason"' (Quran 7:33). "Women impure are for men
impure, and men impure are for women impure and
women of purity are for men of purity, and men of
purity are for women of purity" (Quran 24:26).
Prophet Muhammad , has said in many place that
adultery is one of the three major sins. However the
most interesting story is that of a young man who
went to the Prophet and asked for permission to
fornicate because he could not control himself. The
Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him
if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex
with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time
the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the
woman with whom you plan to have sex is also
somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man
understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his
forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against
the whole of society. It is a violation of marital
contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this
country result in divorce in two years and the main
reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the
partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital
and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society.
Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says
frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The
Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex
prohibited, but anything which leads to illegal sex is
also illegal? These things include dating, free mixing
of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and
pornography. The dress code both for men and
women is to protect them from temptation and desires
by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into
sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower
their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for
greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all
they do. And say to the believing woman that they
should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty"
(Quran 24:30-3 1).
Concept of marriage in Islam
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for
reproduction. Thus Islam encourages marriage as a
legal sexual means and as a shield from immorality
(sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a
man and woman is not just a financial and legal living
arrangement, not even just for reproduction, but
providing a total commitment to each other, a
contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of
companionship is a part of the commitment. A
married couple assumes a new social status and
responsibility for himself, his wife and his children
and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His
signs is that He created consorts for you from among
yourself, so that you may find tranquility with them,
and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily
in this are signs for people who reflect" (Quran
30:21).
Saying of Prophet Muhammad
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my
tradition is not of me" (Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being
Godfearing" (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of
marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young
Muslim men
not to marry until they have completed their
education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more.
Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry
after age 24. Why? When asked, they say, "I am not
ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't they have
normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they
have only one of the two choices a) marry or b)
postpone sex (abstinence until they marry). The
Quran
says, "Let those who find not the where withal for
marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find
them the means from His Grace" (Quran 24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means
should marry, otherwise should keep fasting for it
curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The Western reason for
delaying marriage is different than ours. When I
suggested this to one of my sexually active young
female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to
sleep with the same guy every night."
Role of Muslim parents and Muslim organizations
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married
at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the
biological instinct and make decisions which will help
to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a
career rather than spending time in chasing (or
dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help
their sons and daughters in selection of their mate
using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color
or wealth. They should encourage them to know each
other in a supervised setting. The community
organization has several roles to play.
To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and
know each other without any intimacy. Offer
premarital educational courses to boys and girls over
18 separately to prepare them for the role of father
and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a
special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad ,
"One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a
beautiful name, should give him or her education, and
training and when he or she attains puberty, he
should see to it that he or she is married. If the father
does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the
boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that
sin will lie with the father"
Marriage of Muslim girls in the USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming
a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a
Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained
that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to
his children, his college-going daughter announced
that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom
she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the
analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would
a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a
Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages.
She should be told that not all arranged marriages are
bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in
a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be
successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That
is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am
myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.
Muslim boys are not available to her to make a
choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do
anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she
talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a
week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in
the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they
frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss
character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up
knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents
expect me to marry a Muslim one?"
Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On
the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get
involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy
availability. Muslim parents who also live with an
inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an
American girl of European background but they
would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different
school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different
tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab,
Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed
vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should
be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse
that was given by the Prophet Muhammad was not
wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
She may have been told that early marriage, that is,
age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until
the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of
American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and
married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends.
However, this option is not available to Muslim girls.
Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this
country who think that they are not ready for
marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a
Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it
may be too large for her. If she reviews the
matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will
quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to
30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group.
They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may
not be a virgin.
She may also carry a wrong notion not proven
scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause
congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim
girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or
remain unmarried.
Curriculum for Islamic Sex Education
Islamic sex education should be taught at home
starting at an early age. Before giving education about
anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator
should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it,
"Without God, everything is possible," meaning that
the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for
wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should
teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent,
the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher
(preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female
teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the
Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of
the child and classes be held separately. Only
pertinent answers to a question should be given. By
this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she
got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to
describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is
not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on
condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just
before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed
should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual
syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS)
(emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f. Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
Sex education after marriage
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for
married couples, although I may write such someday.
I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in
the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are
your garments, and you are their garments" (Quran
2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for
each other. A garment is very close to our body, so
they should be close to each other. A garment protects
and shields our modesty, so they should do the same
to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like,
so should they be available to each other anytime. A
garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and
beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of
love and one without the other is incomplete. One of
your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex
especially in your likes and dislikes and do not
compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are
different than a women's. Instead of being a passive
recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is
exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be
available to please him and do not give him a reason
to make a choice between you and hellfire.
Source: Islam-USA
This from the first chapter of the book: Sex
Education: An Islamic Perspective
(Edited by Shahid Athar , M.D.)
References
http://Islamicity.com/recommend.asp?
RecID=12242607055475
Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone
of the opposite sex is different and beyond control,
while expression of the same through sex is entirely
different and should be under control.
Audio
http://Islamicity.com/recommend.asp?
RecID=12242607055475
About Dr. Shaihd Athar
Dr. Shaihd Athar was born at Patna, India. He did his
medical training in Karachi, (Pakistan), Chicago,
(Illinois), and at Indiana University where he is a
Clinical Associate Professor. He was President of
Islamic Society of Greater Indianapolis 1986 - 1987.
He is an alternate delegate to UN (NGO) for World
Muslim Congress, the president of Interfaith Alliance,
an active member of Council For National Interest,
Christian & Muslims For Peace, Amnesty
International, Physicians For Human Rights, lslamic
Medical Association, Solidarity Int. For Human
Rights, advisor to weekly TV Progrwn, "Faces of
Faith", WTHR Indianapolis. Indiana Council for
Foreign Affairs and Foreign Relation Committee.
He was nominated for 1992 Jefferson Award and
received Diamond Award for outstanding
volunteerism from the "United To Serve America". He
is a U.S. Citizen and lives in Indianapolis with his
wife and four children.
He has written and published over 110 articles on
Islam, authored "Peace Through Submission" (PTS)
and edited "Islamic Perspective in Medicine". He is
currently working on "Invitation to Islam - Letters of
a Dayee". He has spoken to many Muslim
institutions, mosques, universities and churches all
over the USA. He is listed in the International
Directory of Specialists in Islamic Studies published
from Rabbat, Morocco, 1991, and North American
Muslim Resource Directory, 1994.
Update 2000
Other books are "Health Concerns for Believers" , "
Reflections of an American Muslim" and "Sex
Education -An Islamic Perspective " all published by
Kazi Publications in Chicago and available from
amazon.com and can be read at his webpage
www.islam-usa.com. His collection of English poems
was just released by Watermark Press "Reflections in
Love".
http://www.islamicity.com/articles/articles.asp?
ref=IC0312-2161
12/5/2003 - Social - Article Ref: IC0312-2161
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